Even after seeing amazing grace and incredible faithfulness by God, I’ve turned right around, and allowed myself to be filled with fear, imagining God might not carry me through the next thing. Have you?
Such is the case, as Jacob is warned by God to leave the land of his father-in-law, taking his wives and flocks with him. (Gen 31 and 32)
Unbeknownst to Jacob, Rachel steals her father’s idols and Laban and his men pursue them.
God intervenes and warns Laban not to harm Jacob, and Laban and Jacob make a covenant together.
And though the Lord has protected and provided again for Jacob, Jacob is fearful because he has some baggage from home to deal with—namely his brother Esau.
Esau had been plotting Jacob’s death when Jacob left home in a hurry after he had deceived their father and stolen Esau’s birthright.
Yes, I can relate to Jacob—I’ve seen God bless me and take care of me, despite my sin and self. And yet, even after seeing amazing grace and incredible faithfulness by God, I’ve turned right around, and allowed myself to be filled with fear, imagining God might not carry me through the next thing.
I’ve wrestled with God.
And before Jacob would encounter Esau again, Jacob wrestled with God. Literally. (Gen 32 ) That’s too much for my mind to even conceive.
But, I’ve figuratively wrestled with God and He laid these thoughts on my heart a while back during a time of wrestling. I want to share them again —
I’m wrestling with God. Not in the physical sense but certainly in that I’m trying to understand what God is doing through some exhaustingly hard things in my life.
I know it’s true that God routinely does things we do not understand for greater purpose than we can see.
I believe that instead of demanding to know the why, real comfort comes from focusing on the Who.
But there are moments, I can’t find Him, I can’t trace His Hand, my mind just can’t imagine what good can come from the present hard.
And so I wrestle. I fight to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor 10:5). I compare what I’m thinking to God’s Word. I refute the lies of the enemy. Over and over. I wrap myself up in His promises. They are a shield about me.
But still I stumble. I fail. I doubt. And I hear Jesus asking me the same question He asked Peter, “Do you love me?” (John 21)
Of course. Of course I love the Lord. But perhaps, I’ve loved my comfort a little bit more. Perhaps, I’ve wanted my will to be done just a little bit more than I’ve wanted His.
And I know I have more dying to self to do.
So ask the Lord again to help me to trust Him more to bring good from the hard I see.
But still, I know, there is yet even more dying to do.
In my wrestling with God, I am slowly learning that I can’t hold tight to Him and still hold tight to my need for God to explain to me just what He is doing.
He doesn’t have to tell me.
Of course, I want Him to work things out a certain way. I want Him to keep me and those I love from the fiery furnaces.
And I certainly know He has the power to do so!
But this I also believe, even if He doesn’t, He is still good. (Daniel 3)
He is ALWAYS good.
For God is better than all my eyes could see and all my heart could hope.
HE is better.
And, once again, like so many times before, He is helping me hold on to Him in the wrestling.
For my heart and flesh may fail, but our God, He never will. (Psalm 73:26)
Where else could we go? Where else would we turn? (John 6:68)
Great is the Lord! And greatly to be praised! He is the Christ the Son of the Living God! (John 6:69)
May we hold tightly to Him. May we trust Him more. May we love Him more tomorrow than we do today. No matter what this day brings. Shaky knees and all. He has us. ❤️